Vatican City – Catholics around the world are stunned today as the papal conclave has reached a decision on its next pope – a Velociraptor.
White smoke poured from the Sistine Chapel, signaling that there had been a decision regarding the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church, and a cheer rose up from the many anxiously awaiting the successor to Pope Benedict who announced his resignation over a month ago.
The Raptor, an animal thought to have been dead for 75 million years, was a surprise papal candidate as many regarded the extinction of his species nearly 100,000 millennia ago a serious obstacle to his ability to lead a religious institution with 1.1 billion practitioners worldwide.
“I’m just so shocked, so excited, so mesmerized by this beautiful creature that will be our leader,” said a teary eyed Gino Mazzabucci, a 52-year-old Roman Catholic from Italy. “I’m aware that they’re considered a deadly hunter and scavenger from millions of years ago, but hey, we have a leader,” added Mazzabucci.
But the election of the insanely dangerous Raptor thought to have last existed during the Late Cretaceous Epoch and who will take office in the coming days following his election, was not without controversy.
“We knew we had to elect him after he killed a bunch of us,” said Tarcisio Bertone, current Camerlengo of the Church.
Of the 120 members in the College of Cardinals that went into the Sistine Chapel earlier this week, only 88 have left with their lives, most of the survivors treated for severe cuts from the Velociraptor’s famous Sickle Claw, a razor sharp talon with the ability to slice through the abdomen of its prey located on each foot.
“It was a really gruesome scene,” said Cardinal Raymond Leo Burke, Archbishop Emeritus of St. Louis. “Many of us were sliced or bitten, someone grabbed a torch from the wall trying to ward off the animal. I think that may have been the black smoke you all saw. But can I just say how nice it is to have our leader all set and ready to preside over us?”
Moments later, Cardinal Burke was treated for severe blood loss.
Many others in St. Peter’s Square found themselves running for safety upon the release of the Raptor who burst onto the square, mauling and slashing at the closest people, interrupting a barrage of cheers and celebration.
“I wanted to celebrate, but then I saw the Raptor disembowel a guy near me, I think this guy is gonna be a real firecracker,” laughed Michael Forrester, a British national who traveled to Rome to view the election of the new pope.
The Raptor’s unorthodox style has been questioned by some who think he may have been elected as a result of political favoritism.
“I can assure you, he was elected fairly, and also because he mauled a bunch of us to death,” said Karl Josef Becker, a German Cardinal. “But I gotta tell ya,” added Becker, “I think this guy is going to really turn some people onto Catholicism.” Becker then dabbed a deep gash on his shoulder with a white rag. “Come to think of it, I can’t wait to see what’s in store.”
“I’m very excited to have our new pope,” said Stanislaw Rylko while lying on a stretcher. Rylko was considered a front runner for the position prior to the election of the deadly Velociraptor. “But boy, what a surprise,” he chuckled before violently vomiting blood. “I will serve him in whatever capacity he needs,” Rylko said before paramedics collected his intestines and placed him on an emergency medical helicopter.
Several of the members congregating in St. Peter’s Square ran forward in an attempt to touch the violent bloodthirsty predator.
“He touched me, I am truly blessed!” said an unknown woman bleeding profusely from a tear in her carotid artery. “Hail the new Pope!” she added before expiring on the street.
The new Pope will be unavailable until later in the week, most likely when he is finished devouring those left in the streets, unaware of the predators hunting and scavenging capabilities.