Dan Fisher Comedy

I am remembering these conversations to the best of my ability.

SITUATION #1

Girl at coffee shop talking with friend:

Girl 1: Ugh, he keeps texting me. Get away, creeper.
Girl 2: Who is that? Derek?
Girl 1: Yeah.
Girl 2: Didn’t you two go out the other night?
Girl 1: Yeah, and in the morning he kept trying to get me to stay longer, but I had to (inaudible)
Girl 2: (Laughs) you went to Mark’s right after?!
Girl 1: Yep (GIGGLEZZZ)
Girl 2: (Reciprocal GIGGLEZZZ)

Basically this girl is banging some dude named Derek, and finds the fact that he has shown a somewhat strong emotional response for her makes him a “creeper.” At first, I thought, “This guy is texting that girl that he met and she doesn’t like him OH WAIT she just spent the night at his apartment, probably with her vagina. Then she went to another dudes house, and you know she brought her vagina to that shit. Then they shared a giggle. It’s girls like these that make me afraid to text anyone.

Fuck it, I hate Derek too.

SITUATION #2

Two guys STRAIGHT CHILLIN on patio bar

Male A: Affliction is gay, Ed Hardy shit is so much more…I don’t want to sound gay, but it’s like, artistic.
Male B: You only think Affliction is gay because you’re a pussy. I don’t give a shit if people hate dudes who wear it, it’s fucking cool. If you hate it, say that shit to my face.
Male A: I’m a big fucking stupid idiot.
Male B: I’m also a fucking moron who doesn’t need to exist.

I don’t know if I’m remembering the last part correctly.

SITUATION #3

Homeless woman walking down the street:

HW: IF I FART NEEDLES ONTO A PILE OF ANTS YOU WILL ALL SEE THAT XANTHOR’S GIRAFFE ANUS CAN ENVELOP ALL THE HATRED IN THE WORLD.

So true.

Me and my buddy Chet Wild (SO WILD) wrote this song while working for the now-defunct SkunkPost.com. Don’t bother going to the website though, it’s gone. I am working on attaining some of the videos we made so that I can put them on this website. They will make you laugh, and possibly sad.

UPDATE: The fucking video doesn’t fit properly. Fuck.

I just thought I should post this video of me doing some stand up. It is of me at Nietzsche’s in Buffalo and the crowd is just great.

Chuck Alaimo of Buffalo.com took this picture at the Judah Friedlander show at Nietzsche’s in Buffalo.

The guy who took this is a pro. You can tell.

Lately I’ve been getting on stage a ton and it’s mostly been great. Sometimes it sucks, and that’s when the audience sucks, so I get off stage feeling shitty and angry, until some other comics say things like, “We’ll it’s really up to YOU to MAKE them a good crowd, I mean __________ could make them laugh, right?”
Then I get more mad.

In that ______, they usually insert the name of a comedian talented beyond our understanding. Oh, you know, comics like George Carlin, Louis CK, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, etc. Comics whose careers are defined by their seemingly limitless ability to write hours of ground-breaking funny material. Yes. THOSE guys COULD make a shitty crowd laugh. Those guys could walk behind a death row inmate and get laughs. Maybe not from the death row inmate, but the guards would definitely be cracking up. Why wouldn’t they be? I also think the inmate would laugh a bit too, because why not? Just because you’re about to die doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate a good riff on disappointing restaurant service or an awkward bathroom moment.

I don’t even know what the point of this post was, other than sometimes a crowd just sucks and it’s no one’s fault.

Except God.